If only
by behindthosewalls
Summary: Because remaining silent isn't the best way to say I love you.


-If only-

_Because remaining silent isn't the best way to say I love you…_

Disclaimer: I don't own shugo chara.

* * *

"_Hey…" _

"_Hey."_

"_Why did you call me here? I mean, what's the matter? Is there something wrong?" _

"_Nothing really. It's just…"_

"_Just?"_

_His cold eyes stared at her curious orbs for a moment. Searching for something… _

_Words to say. _

"_Goodbye Amu. Be a good girl"_

"_Good girl? Goodbye?! What do you mean?"_

_A smirk._

_He raised his hand and tapped her shoulder. Then… he left without saying a word._

"_Ikuto! Wait! What do you mean?!"_

_Gone. _

_Nowhere in sight._

Why can't I tell her what I really feel?

* * *

A kid. That's how he treats me…. I'm nobody but a clumsy, innocent child who cares about nothing at all. No one but a 12 year old naïve girl who knows nothing about the difference of infatuation and love. Well, that's what I am… for him. But, who cares on how he sees me anyway? I mean, he's just an alley cat. An alley cat who… who unconsciously took my heart. Perhaps my hypothalamus had not been working well but, damn… I can't help it. I've fallen and continually been falling for him. I know it's kind of cheesy but that's how I feel… for him.

Of course, I have no right to tell him. I don't even know him that well. He's mysterious, stubborn, mischievous and well… utterly sweet. Oh my gawd. What have I been thinking? This is wrong. This is so wrong.

Actually, I don't really like him that much before. I first thought of him as my enemy. A rival for catching the embryo. His first appearance and treatment towards me had been cruel. But, as I got to know him better, I instantly realized that there was a reason why he's been acting that way. And, however, I think I understand him better know. And I know he does the same way towards me. I'm quite positive about it.

Well, you see, though we both know that we're foes, he automatically appears when I needed help. He's always there to save me when I'm in trouble. He's always there to protect me from danger. He's always there to help me when I needed him. Always there to listen to my problems and woes. Always there for me. Besides, I don't even need to act all "cool and spicy" when he's around. I'm just me. The real Amu.

I can't stop thinking about him. I wonder how he can manage to make people feel safe and special. But then the thing was, he was always… always misunderstood. People always thought of him as a villain. But he isn't. I doubted why he chose to be called as "the bad guy" where in fact he actually was the good guy. Ugh. I'm falling… again.

I have other crushes of course. There was Tadase-kun, the boy whom I had adored and confessed to. But now, I feel like I did the wrong move. I realized that I actually didn't like him that much now. I don't know why but… it just seemed to be that way. People say that Tadase-kun and I were the perfect pair which seemed to be most unlikely now. Maybe that's how they saw us but I don't really think so… now. It's just way to different. My emotions had changed. That's how I feel _now._

And now, here I am… shedding tears because of an alley cat who went off to who knows where. He disappeared and left me in agony. I've always wanted and waited for him to tell me how he feels towards me. If ever he felt something special about me. But, I constantly had my hopes down. He was way too mysterious to be read. I shouldn't have expected something. Because there was nothing for me. How I wish I had never fallen for him. A happy ending is just too impossible for the two of us to happen.

I once thought that I stood a chance because of the way he cared for me. I always felt safe and comfortable with him. He protects me like I'm his property… though I wasn't and never will be. What a misconception. But then, I still love him... and would love him though he doesn't feel the same way. I don't know if the word "love" is appropriate but all I know, that's how I feel.

Restless nights I wept wondering why he left just like that. That dreadful night really left me in despair. I kept acting like I don't care but I do. And it's hard, really hard to act like nothing had happened.

Even Utau doesn't know where he was. Damn it… why worry for him? He doesn't even fancy me. Does he? He doesn't right? Right?

Does he ever wonder how much I care for him? Does he even think of me at night? Did I ever matter to him? Does he also feel the same way I do towards him?

Ikuto… where are you? I miss you. Do you miss me? Do you?

Ikuto must never know how much I love him. He should never know.

His tears shed as he read the last part of Amu's journal. He can't believe what was written there. So, she does feel the same huh? What a coward he had been. He should've told her his true feelings from the start anyway.

She was just there.

Waiting…

For a coward to talk.

He loved her much more than anything else. He knows that. God knows that.

The question was… why didn't he tell her the truth that night?

That he loved her.

And always will.  
And it's too late.

He was… stupid. An idiot for letting all his opportunities go.

He watched her every night from her window. He just sat there, up the tree watching Amu laugh, cry, sleep and the list goes on. The happiness he felt was indescribable whenever he saw her precious Amu inside her room. He just watched her like that. Since he met her, she became inevitable for him.

"Damn" was all he said. He stood there for like minutes, clenching his left fist and holding Amu's diary tightly. A lump formed from his throat.

"She wanted you to, to know how she really felt. If you only knew how gloomy she had been after you disappeared. She left that to me." Utau pointed the journal to his brother who was currently silent.

"Where had you been Ikuto?"

"Hiding." He emotionlessly uttered.

"Hiding? For 3 years? From what?" Utau asked with humongous curiosity.

"Easter. They had another plan and I didn't want you, most especially Amu to be involved with my own matters." He sighed after speaking.

"Ikuto, who thought you were such a coward?" Utau smiled as she motioned to hug her brother who smirked in return.

"Now… now. Enough with the drama 'kay? I'm sure Amu wouldn't be glad to see both of us weeping."

"Yeah."

The siblings walked away from Amu's grave. Ikuto made one last glance before disappearing. He's going to treasure Amu's diary for centuries. It's the only memento left of the pink haired girl aside from the change she did to him.

If only he spoke that day… maybe she wouldn't be suffering like that. If only he wasn't such a coward, perhaps they would've been happy together. And maybe now he'd be seeing a gorgeous 15 year old Amu with a heartwarming smile on her face.

If only…

-owari-


End file.
